Page 13 - The 'X' Chronciles Newspaper - June / July 2018 Edition
P. 13

So You Think You’ve Seen A UFO                                                                                    13





          SO YOU THINK YOU’VE


                     SEEN A UFO
          A checklist to use before to tell all your
                      buddies at the bar.


          Everybody loves a good UFO story. What’s not
          to love? Strange moving lights in the sky, alien
          abductions, cow dissections, and of course the
          famous probings of the human anatomy that
          alien’s just can’t seem to get enough of.
                 Besides, even former President Jimmy
          Carter has files a UFO report (in 1973 - before
          he was president, mind you). So seeing a UFO
          doesn’t automatically make you a deranged
          paranoid who hates X-File reruns because they
          don’t go far enough. You could be just a normal
          person with an extraordinary experience to
          share. One that doesn’t involve a probe of some
          sort.


          THE CHECKLIST
          Well before you start telling your friends about
          your close encounter, keep the following in
          mind. Because we would never say you didn’t
          see a UFO, we also want to keep you from
          enduring a lifetime of mockery from less-          day all across the United States: they’re    9.  Get Independent  Third-Party
          minded “friends.”                                  bright and shiny, and they float float up       Verification: One of the really big
                                                             tremendously high in the sky (well into the
                                                                                                             problems with so many UFO sightings is
          1.  Make sure it’s not Venus: Yes, Venus           stratosphere), pretty much where you’d          that no one else is around to see them. Your
             is a famous culprit  in many UFO sightings,     suspect there’s no man-made object at all.      UFO experience will be much more
             because it’s bright and unblinking and          They also make “course changes” depending       believable if someone else is experiencing it
             because it can be seen while it’s still light out  on the winds up there.                       as well, preferably someone you don’t know.
             (and, apparently, many people think that a   6.  Known military aircraft can get                There’s nothing like having a total some up
             bright, unblinking light just hanging there in  you: Sure, most people know what a              to you and say, “Did you just see what I just
             the sky while it’s still light has just got to be  commercial aircraft looks like. But lots of  saw?” It won’t mean that what you saw is
             a UFO). Now, you might say to yourself,         people were fooled in the early days of the     any more a true UFO than it would
             “who the heck can’t tell the difference         SR-71 spy plane, especially when the pilot      otherwise be (please review the points 1
             between a UFO and a planet millions of          of said plane did a maneuver called the         through 8). But at least you’ll have some
             miles away?” Well, Jimmy Carter for one:        “Dipsy Doodle,” which to a  ground              backup when you go to the bar to tell your
             on examination of the details of the UFO        observer looks like a UFO diving, hovering      friends. []
             observation he and others made on the night     for a second, and then taking off at
             in question rather strongly suggests that the   tremendous speeds. More recently, various      HISTORICAL HINDSIGHTS
             39th prez was looking at  Venus. Jupiter,       “stealth” planes have frightened the
             which can almost get as bright as Venue, is     credulous with their unconventional shapes,   “History is a pack of lies about events that
             another common planetary UFO culprit.           speeds and their maneuverability.             never happened told by people who weren’t
          2.  Make sure it not a meteor: Most             7.  Electrical discharges happen: This is        there.”

             meteors streak across the sky and are done      famous “swamp gas” and “St. Elmo’s Fire,”            - George Santayana
             with it, but some larger ones can become        in which strange but perfectly natural balls
             fireballs and zoom across the sky for a good    of ionized particles bounce and glow and      “History is more or less bunk.”
             long time, trailing some and sparks behind      make some people think they’re being                 - Henry Ford
             them and even exploding in midair (when         chased by the crazy ETs. Electrical
             they do that, it’s called a “bolis”). Fireballs  discharges near high-power lines and power   “History is nothing more but a parade crimes
             and bolises can be seen during the day as       stations have also been known to get a UFO    and adversaries.”
             well, so don’t let that fool you.               label slapped on them.                               - Voltaire
          3.  Make sure it’s not falling space            8.  Your eyes see more than what’s
             junk,        either: Booster      rockets,      there: Here’s a dirty little fact about human  “The past actually happened but history is
             communication satellites, abandoned space       eyesight - it’s not as reliable as people think  only what someone wrote down.”
             stations - sooner or later they fall back to    it is. involuntary eye movements can make            - A. Whitney Brown
             earth. Don’t be the one that confuses them      objects that are perfectly still appear to jerk
             for aliens making a U-turn on their way back    around in the night sky (this is one of the   “God cannot alter the past, but historians
             to deep space. Also, be aware that man-made     reasons why Venus is so frequently confused   can.”
             satellites that aren’t falling are often        for a UFO when it’s just sitting there).             - Samuel Butler
             mistaken for UFOs because they’re bright,       Human eyes will  also embellish briefly seen
             star-like objects that cruise across the sky at  objects with details that aren’t actually there:  “History is indeed little more than the register
             a good clip.                                    People reporting UFOs that turn out to be     of the crimes, follies, and the misfortunes of
          4.  Make sure it’s not a cloud: No, we’re          reentering space junk will often report       mankind.”
             not trying to insult your intelligence. Certain  blinking lights, windows, and purposeful            - Edward Gibbon
             types of alto cumulus clouds take on the        movement, when none of those things were
             traditional “flying saucer” shape and do such   part of the falling debris. This tendency will  “History is mostly guessing; the rest is
             a good job of it that people get fooled.        likely be accentuated if (ahem) you’re under  prejudice.”
            5.  Weather balloons are out there: They’re released every  the influence of anything.                - Will and Ariel Durant
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