Page 14 - The 'X' Chronicles Newspaper March/April 2018 Edition
P. 14

14                        Contacting the Non-Existent Dead

                I Asked Psychics to                                                                      people who declared their intentions and passed
                                                                                                         their tests, and offered to give me a reading that
             Connect with My Non-                                                                        would reveal secrets about me that not even my
                                                                                                         closest friends know. I declined.
               Existent Dead Sister                                                                             I'm not sure Psychic Four understood my
                                                                                                         confession: "Well darling, you have a sister and

                  Continued from Page 13                                                                 protects you! And loves you.. You take care of
                                                                                                         your self (sic) you need meditation and I am
                                                                                                         sorry for your loss again."
                 My fourth and last psychic was 30
                                                                                                                I don't think any of these women
          minutes late for our meeting at her downtown
                                                                                                         intentionally bullshitted me. I'm sure they
          condo because she hadn't expected traffic to be
                                                                                                         believe they possess abilities to communicate
          so bad (should've taken that as a sign). She
                                                                                                         with the dead and tap into people's lives. But,
          charged the most, but I received a 45-minute
                                                                                                         again, out of four psychics—people who claim
          check-in-on-Emily/see-your-future combo that
                                                                                                         to have special powers to know greater truths—
          was leagues above the others in experience and
                                                                                                         not one noticed that the very premise I
          sheer entertainment.
                                                                                                         approached them on was phoney. Maybe it's
                                                                                                         because I sprung for the cheaper ones. Maybe
          Psychic Four was very motherly, constantly
                                                                                                         it's because I found them on Kijiji. Maybe I'm
          calling me "darling" and telling me how sorry
                                                                                                         fantastic enough of a liar that, like Psychic Three
          she was for my loss. Her method of Emily-
                                                                                                         said, I managed to conjure up enough spiritual
          contact was a mix of prayer and coffee-dregs
                                                                                                         energy to bring Emily into existence. (I guess
          reading. She made me a small cup of Turkish
                                                                                                         there's also the possibility that they all knew I
          coffee and when I finished the liquid, she placed
          the saucer on top of the cup, had me hold it with  paid and I won't be some pleb—I'll start pretty  was lying but didn't care because I was paying
          both hands while moving my arms in a circle     high up the ladder, thank you very much. She   them.) Or maybe psychic powers don't really
          three times and then flip the cup and saucer over  also sensed I studied something like social work  exist.
          and put it on the table. She put a blue glass cube  and the coffee dregs told her I went to the       Besides reaffirming my belief that I'm a
          with white circles on all six sides on top of the  University of Toronto (I majored in journalism  great liar and should do it more, my test also
          overturned cup and had me to put my finger on   at Ryerson).                                   gave me some insight on how psychics work.
          the cube and make a wish. I did, and she asked          Emily wanted me to be happy and        They're talented when it comes to finding ways
          me for the photo. I handed her my phone. She    wanted to get some rest too. It's important to  squeeze emotions out of you and make general
          put a small statue of a Turkish philosopher and  remember her and even talk to her but it isn't  statements that allow you to fill in the blanks
          an angel snow globe in front of me and told me  healthy to dwell on her death, Psychic Four    yourself—you're contributing to your own
          to hold on to both and praying while she turned  said, and for the first time that day, I began to  deception (example:  They say they sense a
          on her laptop and started playing weird reverb-  understand how some people can find going to  female presence watching over you, at which
          heavy New  Age music featuring a man and        a psychic comforting. She hugged me a few      point     you     say,    "Oh     shit,    my
          woman speaking about being intoxicated on       times as I was getting ready to leave and the last  aunt/grandma/mom/friend/cousin/sister/teacher
          love (not Beyonce style, unfortunately). She    thing she said as I stepped out the door was,  died a little while ago—it MUST be her!"). I
          was going to ask Emily to make herself known    "Life is a gift."                              think so many people turn to psychics because
          to me.                                                 As much as I liked Psychic Four         they help ease the fear of the great unknown that
                 After 10 minutes of bowing my head       though... She was fourth out of four psychics  is death and give meaning and purpose to
          and trying really hard not to laugh, the music  that had apparently connected with a non-exist  seemingly unfair and random events in our
          stopped.                                        Emily.  Thirteen-year-old me had been          chaotic universe. To me, that's a form of preying
                 The psychic, who'd had her hand on my    vindicated. Houdini was smiling down on me.    on the weak and exploiting people at their most
          phone screen the whole time, said she had felt it      Still mildly in disbelief that I had    emotionally vulnerable, but if you believe in the
          shaking and that it was probably a sign Emily   successfully bullshitted my way through four   afterlife and psychic powers, I can understand
          was around (my friend had sent me two texts     psychics, I decided to follow up with all of them  how the experience would be comforting - after
          around that time). She also said she had been   via text (email, in Psychic Two's case) to see  all, who doesn't want to know that a loved
          praying and crying with me too (I'm recovering  how they would react to the fact they had      family member, living or dead, is doing okay?
          from a cold and sniffled a few times to try to  claimed to connect with someone who didn't            So, there you have it, my first (and
          keep mucus from dripping out of my nose). She   exist.                                         probably last, since I'm apparently shitlisted)
          took the statue, closed her eyes and murmured          Psychic One: "There's a spirit around   foray into psychic-busting. I'm not going to tell
          for 30 seconds, then took the glass cube off the  trying to tell you something, but why would you  people to stop seeing psychics - if it makes you
          cup and lifted the cup.  The dregs formed a     do that anyway"                                happy and you have the cash, go wild. Whether
          vaguely heart-shaped smear on the saucer.              Psychic  Two said it became obvious     you go in as a believer or as a shithead like me,
                 "Love!  You have love in your future!    when I lied about the necklaces, nothing more.  the psychics are the ones making bank, so either
          And tears," she said, shaking a few drops of           Psychic Three called me a few minutes   way, in the end, they win.  And who knows,
          coffee free from the cup.                       after I sent my text. She said she read the picture  maybe I have a sister I don't know about whose
                 The short version predictions are as     and told me what the picture told her, and the  birth and death dates I guessed right, in which
          follows: I have two men competing for me, I     picture told her the person in it was happy. It  case, I should set up my own psychic shop. I'm
          will pick one, be engaged by 2016, married by   didn't necessarily mean she thought the picture  sure Emily would approve. []
          2017, and have two children (a boy and then a   was of Emily. I asked her about the guardian
          girl) immediately after. My mother, struck hard  angel and passing on bit but she stood firm.
          by Emily's death, will forget the pain once I give     "The picture reading shows me what
          her grandchildren. Emily is my guardian angel   goes on in the past life and in this life ... So if it
          who will deflect bad things from coming my      shows me she was your guardian angel at one
          way. She died young because God loves her so    point, she was a guardian angel," she said. She
          much and wanted her with him, and she's         added that the reading wasn't accurate because I
          wearing all white and dancing with her          had come in with the intention to trick, that the
          boyfriend in heaven. I, on the other hand, have  energy I came in with was one about my sister
          a long life ahead of me. I can afford to take this  which is what she picked up on, that the whole
          summer easy because I'll be hired into a full-  thing wasn't very "civilized" of me and that
          time job come September (I currently work full-  she'd be calling other psychics and warning
          time), and not only that, but the job will be well-  them about me. She told me she's been tested by
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