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10 Wacky Biblical Conspiracy Theories 15

10 Wacky Biblical

Conspiracy Theories

We’re guessing you’ve heard of the Bible.
The founding text of a little something
known as Christianity, it sets out the
guiding principles of Jesus’s teachings,
offers advice for life, and gives the
craziest people on the internet something
else to project their madness onto. And it
turns out that for every regular Christian
drawing inspiration from the Bible, there
are tons of lunatics using it to turn their
collective insanity up to 11. Here are 10

Biblical conspiracy theories so flat-out
bizarre they’d make Dan Brown weep.

10 - God Owns An Awesome
Spaceship
The book of Ezekiel is kind of a big deal in
Biblical lore. Not only is it frequently cited by
the most badass Christian in history, it’s also
home to some breathlessly poetic descriptions
of awe-inspiring visions. One in particular, in
Ezekiel 1, represents one of the most
remarkable moments in the Bible outside of
Revelations—a grand passage that overwhelms
the reader with the magnificence of God and all
his power. That is, unless you happen to believe
in conspiracy theories, in which case it
overwhelms them with a big flying spaceship. from attacking. In short, it’s simply a reprise of way of your belief.
The scene starts with the narrator in the original story that adds nothing of value
exile, just chilling by the riverside, when except sexing it up to include a massive H- 7 - The Bible Is A Computer
suddenly the heavens open and a frightening Bomb.
contraption descends—a monstrous thing of If anything, it probably detracts from the Program
“wheels within wheels” and lots of fire. Since original, because while building an impossible Looking for patterns in the Bible is nothing new.
this doesn’t sound exactly Biblical, proponents tower is a nice metaphor for humanity’s hubris, Ancient scholars did it. Isaac Newton did it.
of the ancient astronaut theory have frequently accidentally stumbling across a city-vaporizing Dan Brown made millions doing it (sort of). So
what could possibly be crazier than a bunch of
jumped on this as a description of a spaceship bomb from the future isn’t a metaphor for, well,
guys using computers to analyze random Bible
from someone who didn’t have the vocabulary anything.
words for clues to the future? Well, how about a
to describe one.
bunch of random guys using computers to prove
All of which sounds pretty convincing, 8 - Jesus Called Barack Obama
until you actually read Ezekiel 1 and discover that the Bible is secretly an ancient computer
that he’s quite accurately describing a chair. ‘Satan’ program?
It’s no secret that Obama isn’t exactly the most That last link, by the way, will take you
Specifically, the throne of God, which is
popular president in history. Too warmongering to a website so overloaded with insanity there’s
described in the exact same way elsewhere
for lefties and too socialist for those on the right, a very real chance it’ll crash either your mind or
without any references to flying or fire or
he’s clearly got a few problems. The biggest of computer (or both). The idea it puts forward is
anything that’d make you automatically think
these may be that Jesus once openly referred to that there is a mathematical code embedded in
“spaceship!”
him as Satan. the original Hebrew of the Bible that was
It’s true: Luke 10:18 in full reads “And encoded with a “time lock” to stop people from
9 - The Tower of Babel Was A
he said unto them, I beheld Satan as lightning opening it until the late 20th century, and that
WMD fall from heaven.” Now, if you incorrectly whoever cracks that code will have the key to
We all know the story of the Tower of Babel— translate that sentence into Hebrew, the words unlocking the cryptogram of the universe. In
a gigantic structure built by man in an attempt to “lightning” and “heaven” become Barq and other words: The universe is a giant computer
reach the heavens. But there are some who Bamah (or Shamayim if you do it correctly). and the Bible is the ancient program that will
believe it was actually a rocket-mounted Say them fast enough and it sounds like “Barak give us absolute control over it, something that
hydrogen bomb designed by Nimrod to destroy Bamah.” And that in turn sounds like “Barack was conspicuously used as a plot point in the
any meteorites God threw at them via his city- Obama”—meaning Jesus just heavily implied ’90s thriller The Omega Code.
sized Stargate. that the 44th President of the United States is So how do we go about using this super-
Just to be clear, this isn’t a wacko theory literally Satan. powered program? Well, according to the
posited by a single nutjob. It appears in various At least he did if you completely ignore website above, things are already in motion.
forms on a number of blogs across the Internet, the other words in the sentence, the ones that They’ve been looking through the Bible for
and always involves the same basic mish-mash come between “lightning” and “heaven.” And if clues, and by their calculations, the code should
of ideas. The first is that ancient beings had left you mistranslate “heaven.” And if you ignore be cracked sometime around the year . . . 2006
behind a pile of super-mega missiles that the “O” at the start of “Obama,” and ignore the but it never was.
humanity stumbled across and decided to use; fact that taking any two random words and
the second is that they planned to use it to attack translating them into Hebrew will probably
God (for varying reasons); and the third is that result in something that sounds a little bit like (Continued on Page 17)
heaven confused their languages to stop them something else. But hey, don’t let that get in the