Page 15 - The 'X' Chronicles Newspaper - May / June 2019
P. 15

10 Wacky Biblical Conspiracy Theories                                                                                     15

                 10 Wacky Biblical

               Conspiracy Theories

          We’re guessing you’ve heard of the Bible.
          The founding text of a little something
          known as Christianity, it sets out the
          guiding principles of Jesus’s teachings,
          offers advice for life, and gives the
          craziest people on the internet something
          else to project their madness onto. And it
          turns out that for every regular Christian
          drawing inspiration from the Bible, there
          are tons of lunatics using it to turn their
          collective insanity up to 11. Here are 10

          Biblical conspiracy theories so flat-out
          bizarre they’d make Dan Brown weep.

          10 - God Owns An Awesome
          The book of Ezekiel is kind of a big deal in
          Biblical lore. Not only is it frequently cited by
          the most badass Christian in history, it’s also
          home to some breathlessly poetic descriptions
          of awe-inspiring visions. One in particular, in
          Ezekiel 1, represents one of the most
          remarkable moments in the Bible outside of
          Revelations—a grand passage that overwhelms
          the reader with the magnificence of God and all
          his power. That is, unless you happen to believe
          in conspiracy theories, in which case it
          overwhelms them with a big flying spaceship.    from attacking. In short, it’s simply a reprise of  way of your belief.
                 The scene starts with the narrator in    the original story that adds nothing of value
          exile, just chilling by the riverside, when     except sexing it up to include a massive H-    7 - The Bible Is A Computer
          suddenly the heavens open and a frightening     Bomb.
          contraption descends—a monstrous thing of              If anything, it probably detracts from the  Program
          “wheels within wheels” and lots of fire. Since  original, because while building an impossible  Looking for patterns in the Bible is nothing new.
          this doesn’t sound exactly Biblical, proponents  tower is a nice metaphor for humanity’s hubris,  Ancient scholars did it. Isaac Newton did it.
          of the ancient astronaut theory have frequently  accidentally stumbling across a city-vaporizing  Dan Brown made millions doing it (sort of). So
                                                                                                         what could possibly be crazier than a bunch of
          jumped on this as a description of a spaceship  bomb from the future isn’t a metaphor for, well,
                                                                                                         guys using computers to analyze random Bible
          from someone who didn’t have the vocabulary     anything.
                                                                                                         words for clues to the future? Well, how about a
          to describe one.
                                                                                                         bunch of random guys using computers to prove
                 All of which sounds pretty convincing,   8 - Jesus Called Barack Obama
          until you actually read Ezekiel 1 and discover                                                 that the Bible is secretly an ancient computer
          that he’s quite accurately describing a chair.  ‘Satan’                                        program?
                                                          It’s no secret that Obama isn’t exactly the most       That last link, by the way, will take you
          Specifically, the throne of God, which is
                                                          popular president in history. Too warmongering  to a website so overloaded with insanity there’s
          described in the exact same way elsewhere
                                                          for lefties and too socialist for those on the right,  a very real chance it’ll crash either your mind or
          without any references to flying or fire or
                                                          he’s clearly got a few problems. The biggest of  computer (or both). The idea it puts forward is
          anything that’d make you automatically think
                                                          these may be that Jesus once openly referred to  that there is a mathematical code embedded in
                                                          him as Satan.                                  the original Hebrew of the Bible that was
                                                                 It’s true: Luke 10:18 in full reads “And  encoded with a “time lock” to stop people from
          9 - The Tower of Babel Was A
                                                          he said unto them, I beheld Satan as lightning  opening it until the late 20th century, and that
          WMD                                             fall from heaven.” Now, if you incorrectly     whoever cracks that code will have the key to
          We all know the story of the Tower of Babel—    translate that sentence into Hebrew, the words  unlocking the cryptogram of the universe. In
          a gigantic structure built by man in an attempt to  “lightning” and “heaven” become Barq and   other words: The universe is a giant computer
          reach the heavens. But there are some who       Bamah (or Shamayim if you do it correctly).    and the Bible is the ancient program that will
          believe it was actually a rocket-mounted        Say them fast enough and it sounds like “Barak  give us absolute control over it, something that
          hydrogen bomb designed by Nimrod to destroy     Bamah.” And that in turn sounds like “Barack   was conspicuously used as a plot point in the
          any meteorites God threw at them via his city-  Obama”—meaning Jesus just heavily implied      ’90s thriller The Omega Code.
          sized Stargate.                                 that the 44th President of the United States is        So how do we go about using this super-
                 Just to be clear, this isn’t a wacko theory  literally Satan.                           powered program?  Well, according to the
          posited by a single nutjob. It appears in various      At least he did if you completely ignore  website above, things are already in motion.
          forms on a number of blogs across the Internet,  the other words in the sentence, the ones that  They’ve been looking through the Bible for
          and always involves the same basic mish-mash    come between “lightning” and “heaven.” And if  clues, and by their calculations, the code should
          of ideas. The first is that ancient beings had left  you mistranslate “heaven.” And if you ignore  be cracked sometime around the year . . . 2006
          behind a pile of super-mega missiles that       the “O” at the start of “Obama,” and ignore the  but it never was.
          humanity stumbled across and decided to use;    fact that taking any two random words and
          the second is that they planned to use it to attack  translating them into Hebrew will probably
          God (for varying reasons); and the third is that  result in something that sounds a little bit like                   (Continued on Page 17)
          heaven confused their languages to stop them    something else. But hey, don’t let that get in the
   10   11   12   13   14   15   16   17   18   19   20