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10 Wacky Biblical Conspiracy Theories                                                                                      17







                 10 Wacky Biblical

               Conspiracy Theories


                  Continued from Page 15


          6 - Sodom And Gomorrah Were
          Destroyed By A Nuclear Bomb
          The story of Sodom and Gomorrah is a
          contentious one to say the least. Depending on
          whether you’ve bothered to read Ezekiel 16:49-
          50, it’s either about God blowing up a city for
          refusing to help the poor and needy, or (if you
          haven’t) because he really, really hates gay
          people. On the other hand, it could just be about
          a city wiped out in an ancient nuclear attack.
                 The idea goes that some ancient aliens
          were in the middle of civil war when one side
          decided to unleash nuclear death on the other.
          Lot—the sole survivor of the Bible’s most
          infamous conflagration—was an alien spy
          saved when his masters told him to leave the
          strike zone. His wife was turned to salt by the
          force of the blast and the resultant fallout
          explains both the Dead Sea and the general
          aridity of the region. It’s such a neat little theory  But this is a far from the delusions of a  of fire. Oh, and also because it’s already been
          that you almost want to believe it—until you    lone nut: Across the Internet, endless videos and  discovered—1,200 kilometers (800 mi) below
          realize it makes absolutely no sense.           pages exist claiming the Bible not only        Jackson County, Missouri.
                                                          describes time travel, it also shows you how to       Well, at least according to this theory,
          5 - Jesus Invented The Internet                 abuse it. That last link in particular will take you  which also states that it’s currently inhabited by
                                                          to a site that seems to claim God both invented  aliens and members of the Nazi party. The idea
          Ask anyone on the Internet today who was
                                                          time travel and then gave the power to Hitler,  is an offshoot of the Hollow Earth theory we’ve
          responsible for inventing it and they’ll (rightly)
                                                          specifically so he could go back to the pioneer  covered elsewhere, combined with a load of
          answer “Al Gore.” But it turns out that the
                                                          days and murder early white settlers (because  Christian imagery, UFO lore, and seemingly
          former Vice President was stretching the truth a
          little bit more than we thought when he made    we all know how much Hitler hated white        anything else that occurred to the author during
                                                          people). Sure it doesn’t make any sense, but   a late-night drinking session.
          that claim. According to a number of theories
                                                          that’s the beauty of conspiracy theories: They        In essence, it’s like the perfect mix of
          out there, the first person to actually dream up
                                                          don’t have to.                                 conspiracy theories: a load of self-contradictory
          the Internet was none other than Jesus.
                                                                                                         nonsense that flies in the face of both established
                 Now, since most of us probably don’t
                                                          3 - Noah Came From Mars                        science and established Bible scholarship. The
          remember from Sunday school the scene where                                                    only thing it lacks is the assertion that a leading
          Jesus was forced to invent both computers and   Thanks to the absolute lack of evidence to     Biblical character is some sort of weird space
          telecommunications before tackling the          support the idea of a globe-destroying super-  alien.
          Internet, we’d better back up and explain. The  flood, it’s already pretty niche to believe that the
          idea isn’t that Jesus literally built the Internet—  Genesis account of Noah is anything but an
          that would be silly—but that he predicted it with  awesome myth. But niche doesn’t even begin to 1 - Jesus Was A Space Monster
          unerring accuracy, sort of like how people give  describe the guys in this entry. See, not only do  The main problem with the ancient astronaut
          Jules  Verne and H.G.  Wells credit for         they believe that the story of Noah literally  theory is that once you start applying it to the
          “inventing” stuff they dreamed up for their     happened, they believe it literally happened on  Bible, it leads to only one outcome: that Jesus
          books.                                          Mars.                                          Christ—historical religious leader, Son of God,
                 It’s all thanks to the Parable of the Net,a     Although the theory has many            and meddlesome End  Times prophet—was a
          fisherman-based story in Matthew that           variations, the basic idea seems to be that a  human-alien hybrid placed on Earth by
          functions as an allegory for the Final          cataclysm threatened Mars—like, for example,   intergalactic warlords to freak us out with
          Judgement, but is actually predicting the       a planet-destroying flood—that forced Martian  futuristic technology.
          Internet—because “the net” is 1990s slang for   leader Noah to escape in a spaceship containing       You can probably guess the idea behind
          “the Internet.” Honestly, that’s about as much  a handful of Martian animals and plants, which  this one. The virgin birth was a genetic implant.
          rationale as these people give, although there  he later used to colonize the Earth. In some   The “miracles” of Jesus were simply alien tech
          are some interesting attempts out there to prove  versions this involves genetic manipulation, in  (we’re intrigued to hear how this explains the
          how a man from ancient Galilee talking about    others it simply involves landing on another   miracle of the pigs; feel free to suggest ideas
          fishing is really describing modern broadband.  planet and gallivanting about like some sort of  below).  The missing 30 years of Jesus’s life
          We’ll let you have a read and decide for        bearded Xenu. In other words, it’s an insane   were spent on the mothership, learning how to
          yourselves.                                     hodgepodge of nonsense disguised as some sort  manipulate humans. All so he could . . . what,
                                                          of sci-fi fairytale. Kind of like Scientology,  exactly? Start a religion? Get crucified? Hang

          4 - The Bible Contains Evidence Of              when you think about it.                       out with Mary Magdalene and get up to some
                                                                                                         hijinks while he was at it?
          Time Travel
                                                          2 - The Garden Of Eden Is Hidden                      However you look at it, the “Jesus was
          Time travel is one of those things we all so                                                   an alien hybrid” theory doesn’t even begin to
                                                          Under Kansas City (And Inhabited
          desperately want to be real that we’ll look for                                                tiptoe around the edges of making sense—all it
          evidence of it anywhere. And you better believe  By Nazis)                                     does is take one unexplainable mystery and
          that includes the Bible. A year or so ago, the  People have wasted a lot of time and energy    replace it with a load of pseudoscience dressed
          conspiracy  TV  show Ancient Aliens  even       trying to find the location of the Garden of   up with inexplicable scenes of sci-fi insanity.
          devoted a whole segment of its show to          Eden.  Wasted because, A) it probably doesn’t  Sure, it’s essentially harmless, but that fact that
          “proving” that the prophet Jeremiah had         exist in a literal sense, and B) if it does, it’s  people genuinely believe this is somehow
          witnessed an incident of time travel.           guarded by an immortal being wielding a sword  terrifying. []
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